


If you’re gay and I’m gay then who’s flying the plane?

by aquamanisnotuseless



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Also Revas and Morrigan are bffs, Awkward Conversations, Humor, Morrigan: we need to have a baby together. Revas: but that’s yucky :(, Other, Revas faced with a serious situation: time to make a joke, im also salty about the scene in general and I write to cope shgsgshd, morrigan’s ritual, no sex is shown but it’s discussed, this fic is basically just bc I was salty that I was robbed of normal questions during this scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-07
Updated: 2019-09-07
Packaged: 2020-10-11 21:43:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20553158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aquamanisnotuseless/pseuds/aquamanisnotuseless
Summary: “What I propose is this. Lay with me. Here, tonight. And from our joining a child will be conceived.” Morrigan says, her voice unwavering.Revas makes a face. “But… I’m gay. You’re gay!”





	If you’re gay and I’m gay then who’s flying the plane?

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This fic wouldn’t get out of my head. I decided to post it simply bc it was finished and I figured SOMEONE might like it. 
> 
> Disclaimer: I myself am gay, and I recognize that it’s kind of Hella Gross to have sex with someone you’re not attracted to in that way for a whole BOATLOAD of reasons. Is it problematic? Yeah. Did I write it due to frustration at BioWare for that scene existing in the first place? Also yeah. But I can never have alistair do it bc it feels even worse considering that he has to be coerced. Which is Wrong. I didn’t write this thinking it was all fine and sunshine, but the tone is of that. I attempted to make a scene that made me uncomfortable into one that I could think of more fondly.

“What I propose is this. Lay with me. Here, tonight. And from our joining a child will be conceived.” Morrigan says, her voice unwavering. 

Revas makes a face. “But… I’m  _ gay _ .  _ You’re _ gay!” 

She huffs, “Yes, but would you rather sleep with me or have one of you die.” Revas hesitates too long and she smacks at him. “This is serious!” 

Revas ducks under her attacks and raises his hands in mock surrender. “Why does it have to be  _ me  _ though? Why don’t I just grab Zevran and explain the situation? I’m sure he’d be delighted and you’d probably gain more from him than from me and-” 

“ _ No _ , you fool. It needs to be a warden. And a newer one, at that. So that leaves you and…”

“Oh, fuck. Alistair. Yeah I see why it has to be me.” 

She throws up her arms in the air in annoyance. “Yes,  _ now _ you see.” 

A beat of silence passess. 

“So, wait, why are we sleeping together exactly?” Rev asks, thinking that he probably should have clarified earlier. 

“There is a ritual. One that my mother gave me. It is the reason she sent me with you in the first place.”

“Wait. Your mother who wanted to kill you and use your body. The one I murdered. That mother?” 

Morrigan huffs, “ _ Yes, _ that mother.”

Revas shrugs. “Well. If you trust it, I trust it, I guess.”

Morrigan makes a face that would have been funny if the situation wasn’t so serious. “Any you would just take my word for it? Just like that?”

It’s now that Revas looks as if he’s trying his best to impersonate a turtle. “Yeess? We’re friends. Both of us have seen our guts spilling onto the floor at some point. I’m pretty sure that makes us pretty good friends, like, on principal.” 

“You continue to surprise me, even now.” She whispers. Revas winces. The mood is now thick with seriousness. Rev doesn’t  _ do _ serious. He clenches and unclenches his hands to try and get rid of the awkward feeling crawling up his neck. 

It’s now that he’s faced with the uncomfortable realization that the next step would be to attempt to sleep with Morrigan. Morrigan seems to come to the same conclusion and pulls a face that Revas is willing to bet matches the one he’s currently wearing. 

“Well I guess I’ll-“ Revas attempts to say just as Morrigan tries to start with “We can try getting-“

They both pause at the same time and Revas gestures for Morrigan to finish first. She clears her throat and starts again. “We can try getting undressed in the other room. It might… be easier to stomach that way.” 

Revas wishes he could say he was offended by her statement, but he was grateful for her suggestion. He wasn’t looking forward to what came next, either.

_____________________________

Morrigan walks back into the bedroom and bursts out laughing. 

“What? I thought I’d play the part of the dashing prince.” 

It takes a second for her to voice her next statement through her wheezes. “It’s  _ terrible!  _ How can you expect to take this seriously if you look like  _ that?”  _ Remi was currently in an exaggerated pose on the bed. Somehow, despite the fact that he was a mage, he’d found a sword to pose with. He’d also found an absolutely ridiculous hat that was complete with a feather. “Where did you even find that?”

“Oh this?” He says, pausing to blow the feather away from his eyes, “I found it off a dead guy, like, a week ago. I wouldn’t suggest sniffing it.” 

“I'll have to endeavor to resist the temptation. I’m sure I’ll manage.” 

“I was trying to distract from the fact that we’re naked.”

Morrigan pales. “Yes. Well, it worked for a moment at least.” 

“If it helps, I’m not shy. And it’s nothing I haven’t seen before. At the circle, all bathing was communal.”

“Are they all so…?” She asks, gesturing to his pelvis.

“...I’m frightened at what your next word might be.” 

“Ugly?” She croaks.

“Hey!” 

“It looks like a deep mushroom!”

“It does not!” Revas pauses to look. “Actually, no, I see it now.” He tilts his head, as if the angle was what was restricting him seeing the resemblance. 

Morrigan is still a good seven feet from the bed, unmoving. Revas, always one to hate awkward silences, is struck with the need to fill it. 

“Okay, wait. So we’ve established that  _ I  _ need to participate in the ritual. But do  _ you  _ necessarily need to? Could I just grab Zev and-“

“Maker,  _ yes  _ I need to be here. The ritual requires a child.”

Revas shoots up from his reclined position. “Wait, a baby? We’d be having a baby?” 

Morrigan mutters what’s most likely insults to his intelligence under her breath for a moment before speaking more audibly for him to hear. “ _ Yes.  _ A baby. I had planned to explain everything but you had agreed faster than I had initially anticipated.”

“Still fixated on the baby part. It’s not going to die, right? I’m not really for killing babies.” 

“No, it won’t die.”

“Oh thank goodness.” He sighs in relief. Revas then stares into space with a dopy look on his face. “Wow…. I can’t wait to show them a world outside of the circle. It was never an option for me for a variety of reasons, but I’d always loved volunteering to teach the younger apprentices.”

“You will not see me nor the baby after this night. We will leave.”

_ “What?!?”  _

“It will not be  _ your  _ baby. It will be mine.” 

“I can’t believe you! You’d just leave after everything? I understand needing time for yourself but…” Revas turns his head in an attempt to hide the action of wiping his eyes with his palm. He clenches his fists and turns back, both fury and tears in his eyes. “You can’t just  _ run  _ whenever you’re scared, Morrigan. You can’t just  _ jump _ when things aren’t exactly how they’ve always been.” 

Morrigan steels herself, angry at the jab of their first fight, way back when they were saving the circle from abominations. It was a nasty one. He had sent her back to camp alone and didn’t talk to her for days. They had worked it out, eventually, but there were always topics they avoided since then. 

Apparently, Revas was angry enough to break that unspoken rule. 

“I’ve offered my help. If it is not wanted I shall leave and never return.” Morrigan states coldly. 

“That’s exactly the problem! I was never made aware that apparently our friendship had an expiration date! You can’t just  _ do  _ that to people and expect them to not get angry about it, Morrigan.” 

“I joined to help fight the archdemon, nothing more.”

“It might have  _ started out _ that way, yes, but you can’t just stand there and say that it didn’t  _ mean  _ anything! I thought we were friends, Morrigan. I thought…” 

“That we’d continue our lives together in merry harmony? Please.” She laughs. “Be realistic.” 

Revas takes off the feathered hat and clenches it tightly in his hand. “Is that so bad?” He whispers. “Is it shameful, now, to hope my friendships would last?” 

Morrigan is too angry to feel pity for the sad, naked elf before her. “You act as if you’d have the child and I over for Sunday brunch.” 

“I would.”

“ _ Why?” _

“Why not?”

Morrigan moves forward and sits on the bed, facing away from Revas. Revas stands and puts on a loose pair of pants before draping Morrigans slumped shoulders with a large blanket. 

“Please accept, Rev. I don’t want you to die.” She says. Revas sits beside her and rubs her now covered back. She leans her head into his shoulder and he kisses her hair. 

“And I don’t want you to disappear before we can throw a baby shower.” He teases gently. 

Morrigan lets out a weak laugh. “Yes. You deserve that much, at least. If you truly desire it, we can find a way to let you see the babe.”

“And you?”

“And me. Although I don’t see why you’d want to.”

“I know you haven’t had many friends, but that’s what we do. We stick together even when one of us is being a dummy.”

Morrigan half-heartedly swats in his general area. “Exactly. You: dummy.”

“Yup. Me dummy. Do you still want to try this? We don’t have to.” 

“Yes, I want to. Even though you are one of the most annoying men I’ve ever met, I’d much rather you live.”

________________________________

The inquisitor walks to Morrigan’s side, observing the scene before them. “Who’s that with your son?” He asks, curious at the sight of the elf currently mock-wrestling with the arguably unsettling child. 

Morrigan smiles softly. “His father. He travels often, but he refuses to go longer than a month at a time without seeing us.” 

“Oh, I hadn’t realized you were currently romantically involved. I could set you up with a family room…?” 

She laughs. “That won’t be necessary. Oh look, here comes his husband now.” 

Almost on cue another elf leaps from where he was apparently hiding in a tree, though the inquisitor hadn’t seen him earlier. The inquisitor stares, confused by Morrigan's family life. She notices his shocked face and humors him. “Keiran is a special boy formed from special circumstances. I assure you, the hero of Fereldon and I have always been nothing more romantic than the best of friends. 

The Dalish elf’s eyes bug out of his head. “You mean _ that’s _ the hero of Fereldon?” The man in question was currently pretending to die dramatically, his son was sitting on top of him and laughing as his father lamented his make-believe woes. 

“Yes,” Says Lelianna, suddenly appearing within the empty space next to him as she hides her giggles behind her hand. “And it appears he’s lost his touch.” 

Morrigan laughs, “Please, as if he ever did any actual damage in fights during the blight.” 

“Hey!” Revas shouts from the floor, “I think you mean ‘oh thank you, Revas! Thank you so much for healing my wounds instead of letting me  _ bleed out on this dungeon floor! _ ’” 

“Apologies,  _ mi corazón _ , but in my experience the dead don’t talk.” 

“Yeah, well, this wouldn’t be the first time you’ve failed to kill me, Zevran.” 

The Antivan laughs, “Yes, well I am certainly glad that I’ve failed. I rather enjoy your continued existence.” 

Morrigan allows a small smile to fix upon her face as she observes her silly little family that she’s formed.  _ ‘You’re not the only one,’  _ she thinks to herself

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed it!


End file.
